Buy Me Love

  BUY ME LOVE

  BUY ME LOVE

  Martha Cooley

  Red Hen Press | Pasadena, CA

  Buy Me Love

  Copyright © 2021 by Martha Cooley

  All Rights Reserved

  No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without the prior written permission of both the publisher and the copyright owner.

  Book design by Mark E. Cull

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Names: Cooley, Martha, author.

  Title: Buy me love / Martha Cooley.

  Description: First Edition. | Pasadena, CA : Red Hen Press, [2021]

  Identifiers: LCCN 2020056795 (print) | LCCN 2020056796 (ebook) | ISBN 9781597091206 (trade paperback) | ISBN 9781597098748 (epub)

  Classification: LCC PS3553.O5646 B89 2021 (print) | LCC PS3553.O5646 (ebook) | DDC 813/.54—dc23

  LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020056795

  LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020056796

  The National Endowment for the Arts, the Los Angeles County Arts Commission, the Ahmanson Foundation, the Dwight Stuart Youth Fund, the Max Factor Family Foundation, the Pasadena Tournament of Roses Foundation, the Pasadena Arts & Culture Commission and the City of Pasadena Cultural Affairs Division, the City of Los Angeles Department of Cultural Affairs, the Audrey & Sydney Irmas Charitable Foundation, the Meta & George Rosenberg Foundation, the Albert and Elaine Borchard Foundation, the Adams Family Foundation, Amazon Literary Partnership, the Sam Francis Foundation, and the Mara W. Breech Foundation partially support Red Hen Press.

  First Edition

  Published by Red Hen Press

  www.redhen.org

  Acknowledgments

  To my family and friends, at home and abroad, thanks for sustenance of all stripes. I have been buoyed by you in countless precious ways.

  This book’s been awfully long in the making. Along the way, its maker received practical help. I am grateful to Adelphi University for sabbaticals in 2012–13 and 2019–20, and to the Siena School for Liberal Arts in Siena, Italy, for respites in the summers of 2006 and 2007. My gratitude goes as well to the Corporation of Yaddo for my stay there in 2008.

  The Red Hen team has been superlative from start to finish. To all, my deepest appreciation.

  To Deborah Schneider, my agent, heartfelt thanks for believing in this book, and in me.

  To the Bennington Writing Seminars: thanks for past and ongoing gifts of collegiality and fellowship.

  To Daniel and Oana Muntean and Raffaella Paoletti for warm company in Castiglione del Terziere.

  To Mark Matousek for wise listening.

  To Askold Melnyczuk for spurring me at a tricky juncture.

  To Fiona Maazel for clear-eyed encouragement.

  To Anne Germanacos for urging adventure.

  To Sheridan Hay for generosities of spirit.

  To Susie and Jim Merrell for friendship and aid in Sag Harbor.

  To Lynn Whittemore for always helping me straighten up and fly right.

  And to Antonio Romani, my beloved, sempre.

  For Antonio

  BUY ME LOVE

  . . . it’s the surprise of change that makes

  good fortune and bad luck feel the same.

  —Anne Pierson Wiese, “Discovery”

  ONE

  Trio, Quartet

  1

  Not a scrap but a square, the size of a woman’s handkerchief. A square of paper, small and white, pinned against the underside of an iron grate beneath Ellen Portinari’s feet—detained there by an updraft of cool air, its scent moldy, metallic: Eau de Subway.

  All but blank, that square. Its sole markings a few numbers printed by hand. Ellen would’ve missed that little flag of white, failed altogether to notice it, were it not for a fear that halted her midstride.

  Was her wallet where it ought to be, in the scuffed satchel now slung over her shoulder? Maybe not . . . still loitering, perhaps, in the green suede clutch she’d sported the evening before? (A going-out purse: elegant, impractical.) And why’d she bothered switching, anyway? As if a different bag could’ve altered the evening’s chemistry, fizzed it . . . dumb, dumb.

  Standing atop the grate, she patted the side pocket of her satchel.

  No familiar bulge there. Yet the wallet couldn’t still be in the green clutch—she’d emptied that bag of its contents. Unzipping her satchel’s center opening, she reached in and felt around. The evening’s chemistry? Hardly explosive. Two long-married couples (not close friends of hers, merely acquaintances), a newly divorced middle-aged male, and a fifty-two-year-old single woman—herself—had made for a practiced restraint. Potentially intriguing domestic concerns (fidelity and infidelity, erotic malaise) were not likely to arise in conversation. Her dining companions had stuck to benign topics, though when the subject of real estate cropped up, she’d had to suppress an urge to bolt. (“Do you own or rent?” was a question she dreaded like no other; even “Seeing anyone?” felt less toxic.)

  Still, the whole thing could’ve been much worse. They’d eaten at a Smith Street bistro serving its own take on pot-au-feu, overly salted but good, especially when paired with a Côte du Rhône that the newly divorced man had termed “velvet-y”—prompting her own descriptor, “sateen-y,” which had led to his counter-offer (“moleskin-y”) and a flurry of what he’d termed fabricated adjectives (“damask-y,” “grosgrain-y”) from their fellow diners. Everyone at the table had been witty. There’d been sufficient laughter. And another social encounter with the newly divorced man, whose hands had been long-fingered and expressive, might prove mildly entertaining. Yet by its close the evening had felt like nothing so much as a game of musical chairs, with none of the players fully confident they’d wind up in the seat of happiness.

  2

  Pawing now through her bag (balanced on one uplifted knee), Ellen felt the initial stirrings of panic. Where the hell was the damn wallet?

  Unpleasant to contemplate its loss. Not just because of the cash (precious little), but the hassle: credit card companies to call, a new driver’s license to procure, the organ donation ID to renew. And the irreplaceables—a dried four-leaf clover, a dog-eared photo of the nearest-and-dearest at Dale’s for his fiftieth . . . Plus that line from Merry Wives—Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on—scribbled by Anne on a matchbook cover when they were roommates at NYU. If money go before, all ways do lie open! They’d given up cigarettes and chocolate to save funds; to keep their spirits up, Anne had spouted Shakespeare quotes. As for the wallet itself, hadn’t it been a gift from one of the nearest-and-dearest? Yes—Sophie and Hank. Buttery yellow it was, and just the right size. O fuck if it were lost!

  Or stolen?

  She took a deep breath. Of course the wallet hadn’t been filched, not during these few minutes as she walked from home to this spot. Impossible. She’d passed only a handful of people and hadn’t bumped against a single one, had she? No, no. And even if the wallet had been lifted somehow (by an extremely skilled pickpocket), that’d hardly be a tragedy. Who steals my purse steals trash: another of Anne’s offerings. ’Tis something, nothing; ’twas mine, ’tis his . . .

  Underfoot, a stream of dank air began venting through the grate.

  It riffled the hem of her skirt, sending spurts of itself up to her knees. On her bare calves the air was a caress, swift and clear. Not warm yet welcome; like happiness, perhaps, arriving as it ought to—cool fingertips probing, laying claim?

  That stray thought arose in the air-fondled instant before her hand, still groping in her satchel, met up at last with the missing wallet.

  Belowground, an F train rumbled rhythmically toward the Seventh Avenue station. It whined as it slowed, it
s noise fading to a hum.

  Ellen glanced down. Although the draft of air pushed upward by the incoming train had ceased toying with her skirt, the white square of paper pressed against the grate held steady: the air was sustaining its loft.

  She stooped, peering. The piece of paper lay flat, seemingly glued into place. It wasn’t wholly white, though. Strings of numerals were hand-printed across its middle.

  She crouched closer. Most of the numerals were too messy and tightly spaced to distinguish, but one neatly rendered cluster stood out. The first five numbers—a six, a three, an eight, another six, a zero—weren’t hard to discern; the last two were smudged.

  Seven numbers: 6-3-8-6-0-something-something.

  She straightened, frowning. Familiar, that sequence, but from where?

  As she bent over the iron cross-hatching once more, the piece of paper shimmied a little, then rocked gently downward on its cradle of air. In a few seconds it was gone.

  3

  Reshouldering her bag, Ellen continued uphill. She crossed Fifth Avenue, her legs and lungs registering the incline as Ninth Street steepened. Trudging—Prospect Park her goal—she waited for memory’s tumblers to click into place.

  That seven-numeral sequence: her childhood phone number. How weird was that?

  She’d memorized that number with Walter’s help, when she was in, what, first grade? Tapping two pencils together, he’d sung in his lustrous baritone: Six, three, eight . . . there’s your trio. And then, after a pause: Six, oh, three, three . . . there’s your quartet. Trio, quartet. Easy. A seven-note song, each note a numeral.

  Now you sing it, he’d ordered. The whole thing, so you won’t forget. His hand on her neck, cool fingers and thumb at either side of her throat. Lightly assessing her phrasing. One more time. He’d accompanied her then, an octave below: their first and only father-daughter duet. His voice magnificent, hers a wisp of aural smoke. Nola had been there too, yes?—leaning against the doorsill, sipping her drink: la mamma half in the bag already, though it was only mid-afternoon.

  And Win must’ve been around as well. Probably upstairs in his room, teaching himself how to notate—having by then squirreled away a stack of Walter’s staff-paper, plus a metronome from the music department at school, pencils from art class, plastic binders from the homeroom closet . . . Bit of a klepto, the brother used to be. Not that anyone noticed, what with Walter making as if his son didn’t exist, and Nola too sauced to care, and Win’s teachers barely aware of that boy who seldom spoke but was always drumming his fingers on his desk.

  He wasn’t a petty thief, though. Win would nick only what was necessary: supplies for his secret life. Composition, he’d murmur as they walked to the school bus stop. Varying the word’s rhythms, pitches, stresses—com-po-si-tion . . . Not a social animal; always his own best company. Off by himself, staring into space, humming.

  Why d’you hum to yourself, Win?

  I’m practicing.

  For what.

  For being a composer. That’s what I am. Walter sings, I compose.

  Oh, Edwin . . . what to do with the bro, what to say to him, how to get him back on track?

  Such a good composer. Such a waste of talent.

  Leave him be, he’s gotta figure this out for himself: Sophie and Hank’s advice. Hang in there, he’ll come round: Anne’s counsel. And her partner Giselle’s: grief holds you hostage til it’s ready to release you.

  Yeah, but it’d been over two years since Madrid. And Win more isolated now than ever, his drinking even worse.

  Dale took the realistic view, as always: Win’s gonna do what he’s doing til he doesn’t need to do it any longer. Just keep letting him know you won’t walk away. Put the oxygen mask on your own face first, though! Don’t get consumed by his mess.

  Win was a classic loner. Never easy to be around; not as a kid, not as a grownup. That gaze of his, so impassive. Like the gaze of a cat who knows there’s no such thing as a second life, let alone a ninth, so you better do it now—whatever matters to you—since if you delay, you might get blown up. As in, by a bomb. As in, Madrid.

  All right, Win. But did whatever matters to you have to include buckets of booze?

  4

  The time? Seven forty-five. She wasn’t running late, for once. Hence there was no need to pick up the pace, not in this heat.

  Everything made music, according to Win. Your body walking, of course. Plus ordinary objects, plants and animals, thoughts and feelings, ideas, dreams. The world was an orchestra playing nonstop; its instruments didn’t rehearse, had no conductor or score. They simply improvised. Just listen, Win used to say. That truck’s a bass. When the kettle boils, it’s a piccolo. Roses are oboes.

  And composers, what did they do?

  They listened. Then wrote down whatever they heard during a given stretch of time. Notation, such writing was called. At first you made a mess, but then came the fun part: trimming and shaping, playing with time.

  How?

  By speeding or slowing it. Bending it, stretching it.

  How d’you know you’re doing it right?

  The music says. You just have to listen.

  Like following orders?

  More like remembering a dream.

  5

  Side-swiped by a long-haired dog, Ellen halted. The creature sailed past, owner huffing in tow.

  Good lord. Who had whom by the leash there?

  If music be the food of love, play on! Walter’d sung that, when? ’Tis not so sweet now as it was before . . . at a wedding. Some Belgian patron of the arts had set some bits of Shakespeare to music, then hired a couple of big-name singers to perform the bits at his nuptials. Walter had been flown to Bruges on a private jet. There’d been a dog aboard, a dachshund with a red velvet collar. See what crap I have to put up with, he’d fumed when he returned. You kids don’t have a clue, and neither does your mother. While I’m off singing for some fool with a lapdog, you’re freeloading.

  Off singing. Then he vamoosed for good, a few months after the incident with the lost score. At 5:00 a.m. a cabbie had beeped out front, and poof—Signor Portinari and his two leather suitcases were gone. To Cremona, Italy, of all places, where a lover, a man named Bruno, awaited him. Somewhere near Milan, Cremona was. A gorgeous medieval town, according to the guidebooks. Stradivari and Guarneri used to make violins there, and Bruno happened to be one of Cremona’s best instrument-makers, and Walter one of the great baritones of his day. And a guy named Bruno Walter used to be one of the best conductors of the mid-twentieth century. Now wasn’t life just a happy heap of coincidences?

  Oh, and Bruno Walter’s daughter was murdered by her husband in a fit of jealousy because she’d fallen for an Italian singer. Ah well.

  Poof. The sound of Walter disappearing.

  Had Walter recognized Win’s talent?

  Of course. How could he not have noticed that his firstborn had perfect pitch? Or that by the time the kid was five, Win could hum a bit of Bach he’d heard months earlier, without missing a note? Or compose a piece of music on the spot, prompted only by the sloshing of gin in his mother’s glass?

  Walter knew. But after the disaster with the lost score, none of it mattered to him. And once he’d turned against Win—cutting him short whenever the kid addressed him, acting like Win occupied a negative space that could simply be stared through—nobody could get him to ease up. Walter, Nola used to mutter now and then, knock it off. As if Walter would ever cease believing Win had actually planned the whole absurd business. As if Nola had ever had the slightest sway over her husband. As if that ten-year-old boy could ever have found words to defend himself—Win, who spoke mainly in monosyllables and preferred to hum.

  As-if as-if as-if as-if as-if: iambic pentameter.

  Family, fiasco: in the dictionary, why weren’t they listed as synonyms?

  6

  Green at last!

  Not that it made any difference. The traffic light at the corner of Ninth Street and Seventh Ave
nue was merely a suggestion, especially at rush hour.

  Looking both ways, Ellen skittered across the avenue. A car-service sedan squealed round the corner, nearly clipping her. Safe on the far curb, she took a deep breath, then glanced downward. A big fake dollar bill . . . no, a hundred-dollar bill, stenciled in red on the sidewalk. It looked like a real C-note, too, except for its missing portrait, the one that was supposed to sit in the central oval. (Of some president, or was it Ben Franklin on each bill?) In place of the portrait was a three-word phrase: You are here. Below, the usual “In God We Trust” was replaced by in confusion.

  You are here / in confusion. How bizarre.

  She scraped her heel along the edge of the image. Not a mark, not even a smudge.

  A few yards away, a group of riders emerged from the entrance to the F train. Dozens of feet trod over the C-note.

  A lanky man was the last to ascend. In one hand he held an open can of soda.

  Look, Ellen said, pointing.

  The man glanced downward, frowned, then tipped his soda over the C-note and rotated his heel across the image, grinding hard. The liquid had absorbed; nothing happened to the C-note.

  He shrugged. It’s all yours, he said. Better spend it soon, though. Use it or lose it!

  His accent was British but not posh, laced with . . . was it mischief, derision? He saluted her, then loped away.

  7

  Her cellphone, belching. A text from Dale.

  Can’t do tomorrow, it’s date night—this one’s a grad student in medical anthropology, WTF is that? Wish me luck! How about Tues after 7?

  One good thing: Dale never proselytized about dating. Was fine with the fact that although his old pal Ellen might possibly be going out for the eve with some acquaintance, or maybe might’ve arranged to spend a few hours with one of the guys she occasionally slept with, or could perhaps be doing her shift at the food co-op—while some such thing might be happening, it was much more probable she’d be at home, playing paper-ball soccer with her two cats.